December 17, 2006 Mistakes Women Make When Having Sex I recently read an article online entitled "50 Mistakes Women Make When Having Sex". Surprisingly a woman wrote it. I don't write about bleeding out of my snatch, so why is she writing about sexing girls? Predictably her insights were along the lines of "guys don't like to cuddle". I believe that was thoroughly run into the ground sometime in 1994 sweetheart. Now I have sexed my fair share of vaginas, so I am far more qualified to point out the mistakes women make when having sex. Here is a much more practical guide for you ladies.

Oral Sex:

Ignoring the balls. They're balls, they can't lick themselves! If God didn't want you to play with them he would have put them on the inside and called them ovaries.

Being too enthusiastic with the balls. I once heard that 33lbs of pressure could crush a testicle. I don't ever want to find out if that's true.

Having no rhythm. If you keep switching up the rhythm you break my concentration. Just give head the same way you like to be fucked… without the sodomy and choking of course… well maybe some choking.

Not taking pride in your craft. Lots of girls are decent at giving head, but very few excel at it. Would it kill you to watch some porn and practice on elongated objects and/or the homeless?

Vaginal Sex:

Asking if I'm about to cum. Is that your attempt at dirty talk or do you have something better to do? Either way shut up! I can't cum with you nagging me. You'll know when I cum! It'll be right before I lose interest in you.

Grinding too much when you're on top. That's great that you get off by grinding your clit into me, but I need friction. If you aren't going to bounce on it some then at least give me something to read.

Constantly looking back during doggystyle. If I wanted to look at you we'd be doing it missionary.

Wanting to use a condom. How bout you try going on birth control and not having STDs… whore.

Anal Sex:

Wincing in pain. A husband once told his pregnant wife "don't tell me about the pain just show me the baby". This applies to anal. Except the whole showing me the baby thing, because that's why we are doing anal in the first place.

Getting shit on my dick. Yes I'll blame you if it happens.

And finally the BIGGEST mistake a woman can make during sex is… Having it with someone other than me!

posted by John 3:30PM