Archive July 2005
July 27, 2005

Pickup Lines

Approaching a strange girl can be a daunting task, especially if she is conscious. Of course everyone knows the best way to get a girl interested in you, is to show her your diamonds, or your enormous dong, or if you are lucky enough to have one your enormous diamond studded dong.

However, those unfortunate souls who were unlucky enough to be born without diamonds or a large penis must rely on conversation starters or as they are known in the streets "pickup lines" to get a girl interested. I have decided to post my best pickup lines. Some I created myself. Feel free to use them. They work like 1000% of the time.

For a fat girl you have small tits.

I want to fuck you retarded. Then teach you how to read.

You're ugly and that fascinates me.

Hey would you like to buy me a drink?

Does this smell like chloroform to you?

Hey your ass looks great with that necklace.

If I asked you to come home with me, would your answer be the same as it is to this question?

For a fat girl you sure don't sweat that much.

You know how some men buy really expensive cars to make up for certain, well, shortages? Well, I don't even own a car.

I want to fuck you like you owe me money. Then scour through your purse for change.

I'm the kind of man who deserves to have women I don't deserve.

Fuck me if I'm wrong, but you want to kiss me.

You look like the type of girl that makes a lot of bad decisions.

Hi, I like cake.

Baby if you had cancer I'd be your chemo.

Hey do you know who I am?

You know Captain will make it happen, but I'll cum on your face and never call you again.

Hi I'm John, but I also go by "nobody"... because nobody is perfect.

Hi I don't have AIDS.... HIV postive though.... yep H-I-V.... well ok then.

posted by John 10:08PM

July 24, 2005

The Sway Incident

I was out in Miami last night. The plan was to go to bars in the "Grove". After a while, we decided to go over to SoBe (South Beach) to this hotel called "Delano" because I had never been there before and my friend wanted to show me it.

The "chic elite" come to Delano to hangout in the huge extended indoor/outdoor lobby or on the beds by the pool. By "chic elite", I mean busted trophy wives, ex trophy wives, aspiring trophy wives, and rich playboys looking to fuck a trophy (Seriously they actual want to fuck a trophy, like Oscars, Grammies, and shit. They are some sick fucks.). You cannot get a drink at the Delano (including beer) for under $10.

I was a bit of a fish out of water since I was wearing jeans, short-sleeve shirt, and sneakers, while rockin some oh so sexy 3-day stubble. As I was walking around the place taking in a shit load of chic, who do I see standing by the back of the pool. None other than Sway, the black guy from MTV News. I get excited! Because, well, I hate that guy he really annoys me. Now is my chance to go annoy him.

He is talking with two other black guys who I can only assume are his "homies". I walk over to them, and give him the old drunken (did I mention I was drunk) college boy "HEY SWAY! How is it going bro?" (notice the use of the word "bro" to show him I am one of the good ones). Since everyone else there was speaking in normal tones (probably about all the coke they do) this would surely bring Sway some obviously unwanted attention. He shoots me an annoyed glance, but undeterred I continue to walk up to him and his homies.

This is when disaster struck. See hand-to-hand greetings with a black guy are always a tricky proposition. You never know if they are going to give you...

1) a normal handshake
2) slap five followed by finger lock and snap
3) a fist pound
4) A #2 followed by a #3

I like to play the odds so I always clearly display an open hand as I go in. Then if I do not feel a grip I slide my hand down for a #2, and keep a close look out for the follow-up #3. However, since Sway is an asshole, he of course disregards my open hand and sticks out his fist for a straight #3. Who does that to a white guy? Did he really think a white dude was going to default to a #3 fist pound?

It was a train wreck. Open hand to closed fist. Sway and I both realized the devastation and quickly sought to minimize the damage. We pause to compose ourselves.

Sway: "How do you want to do this?"
Me: "Like this." (extending open hand)
(we shake hands)
Me: "Nice to meet ya buddy!"

Sway and the homies left a minute later. I can only hope I had annoyed Sway. In my heart of hearts, I think I did, and that makes me happy.

posted by John 9:35PM

July 14, 2005

Ain't No Fun If The Homies Can't Have None

I was listening to the old radio on the drive home and 99 Jamz "old school song of the day" was Snoop Doggy Dogg's "Ain't No Fun If The Homies Can't Have None". Well at least they tried to play the song. The censored version has long periods of silence.

If you are not familiar with this great little ditty, I suggest you go download it immediately to your pretty pink IPod, you pussy. It is a good song, but more importantly, it is hilariously misogynistic.

One of my dreams in life is to be able to perform this song live at a karaoke bar. I think that would be awesomer than a handjob from Helen Keller (you just know she's the best).

The full lyrics can be found here. I will post some of the "best" parts here.

This is DJ Eazy Dick, on the station that
slaps you across your fat ass, with a fat dick
- Intro

When I met you last night baby
Before you opened up your gap
I had respect for ya lady
But now I take it all back
Cause you gave me all your pussy
And ya even licked my balls
Leave your number on the cabinet
And I promise baby, I'll give ya a call
Next time I'm feelin kinda horny
You can come on over, and I'll break you off
And if you can't fuck, that day, baby
Just lay back, and open your mouth
Cause I have never met a girl
That I love in the whole wide world

- Nate Dogg (Opening verse. Notice the brillant use of the word "gap", and the reference to her giving him head cause she is on her period.)

I know the pussy's mines, I'ma fuck a couple more times
And then I'm through with it, there's nothing else to do with it
Pass it to the homie, now you hit it
Cause she ain't nuthin but a bitch to me
And y'all know, that bitches ain't shit to me....
I'm Kurupt
Hoe you'll never be my only one, trick ass beeeitch!
- Kurupt (Dat is some cold shit yo!)

Guess who's back in the motherfuckin house
With a fat dick for your motherfuckin mouth
- Snoop Doggy Dogg (Poetry! Look out Maya Angelou.)

So back up bitch cuz i'm strugglin, so get
off your knees and then start jugglin
these motherfuckin nuts in your mouth
It's me, Warren G the nigga with the clout
- Warren G (Better do what he says he has "clout"!)

posted by John 9:52PM

July 14, 2005

You're Fired! Almost

I am getting close to being fired. Our department is getting work piled on it. I had to work overtime yesterday to just get some of it done. Then the Boss walks over today and says.

Boss: "Did you guys actually do some work today? You barely got anything done yesterday."

What an asshole. Then he goes and shuffles through some papers on the black guy's desk.

Boss: "Do these need to be faxed?" (to black guy)
Me: "Oh you are faxing? Here fax this. (I hand him a massive stack of work)"

Obviously that served two purposes. 1) It disrespected him big time. He is a Vice President and makes a least middle six figures, and I am treating him like the Cuban copy boy. 2) It showed that asshole how much work we are doing.

The number 2 Boss was right there when I did it, and it shocked her. She just kept saying, "You are brave". The Boss is bright red and just staring at me. I am sure he was contemplating firing me right there. Then he takes the stack, walks away, and says to the number 2 Boss. "This department is full of testosterone."

The black guy was most impressed. He kept complementing me on the size of my balls. El Gayo called me a "trouble maker".

The fax machines are by the door, and on the way out, I had to bite my lip not to laugh at the Boss still faxing my stuff while I was heading home. Oh and it was the Boss's birthday.

posted by John 9:16PM

July 8, 2005


I have a problem with authority. I am a punk queen like Avril Lavigne. During my last job, I stuck it to the man the following ways.

  • I got in a drunken dispute over a card game almost resulting in fisticuffs with my boss.
  • I tricked the number 2 boss into taking a laxative. Don't believe me? I can be very convincing just ask your mother. Oh snap! You walked right into that one. BTW, it is just like you see in the movies. When someone takes a laxative, they do spend the whole day on the toilet. Hilarious!
  • I challenged my boss, the number 2 boss, and a director from another location all to a fight in a drunken dispute. Yes, I wanted to fight all three, I am that big of a badass. Don't believe me? Ask your mother. Oh snap again!
  • On the last night, I said some racial slurs to an Indian co-worker, and challenged number 2 boss to yet another fight, in yet another drunken dispute. Oh and I fucked your mother! Do I even have to say it... oh snap!

Now in my current job the department I am in is the coolest department (we have a metro for Christ's sake!). So of course, the nerd that runs the place hates us. Nerd resentment runs deep in him. He is constantly trying to hassle us. Every time he comes by I give him dirty looks, and one word replies, it is obvious that we do not like each other (not looking to advance in the company obviously).

So the Boss calls me into his office. Apparently, that is a big deal.

Boss: "Hi, John have a seat."
Me: "You talk about guns like I ain't got none. What you think I sold them all?"

Maybe I did not say that, but I was thinking it! Anyway the main reason he called me in was that I had been missing a lot of work recently because I was sick. Of course, they do not believe I have been sick and they thought I was interviewing with other companies. However, while we talked he said the following 3 times.

Boss: "It seems like when I leave from talking with you guys. I always I hear laughter..."
Me: "Oh it is not us. I don't know where you hear laughter from."

Of course it is us, but you don't tell the nerd that, him being the Boss and all. The point is this guy with all his money, and a relatively high position in life, is still concerned that people are snickering at him. Not only that, he is dumb enough to raise his concern multiple times. Maybe he is going to fire me soon so he does not care how he comes off.

After our talk, he now feels comfortable hanging out in our department... a lot. Oh the joys of being micromanaged by a nerdy douchebag.

Also, I had a great conversation a couple weeks ago with a Cuban guy I work with.

Cuban: "Hows you doin man?"
Me: "Not good actually. I am really sick."
Cuban: "Oh? Yous sick? You know... you probably got sick from having sex with da AC on."
Me: (laughs)
Cuban: "You know man, you get sick from dat. You have to go under the sheets. Cause the AC... will blow on you man."

That is just good advice that is what that is.

posted by John 6:27PM