September 28, 2006 Vagina Liaison Well hello there, my name is Kip Cummings, but you can call me Thundercat. I am the world's most renowned and dare I say sexiest vagina liaison. What does a vagina liaison do you ask. Think of me as a master of the labial arts. Sort of like a Mr. Miyagi to a vagina's Daniel-san. Wax on! Wax off! Perhaps you will understand what I do if I (as the kids say today) "break it down for you… nigga". When a vagina is not performing at maximum capacity, I am called in to tune it up and get it running at full speed. However this takes more than just slapping on some lube and new spark plugs.

Take my first client for example Jackie Joyner-Kersee's vagina. Which I affectionately nicknamed "The Black Hole", because once something entered it never "came" out… oh and because it was black. After she failed to win gold in the 84 Olympics I was called in to help put her over the top. I developed and implemented my (patent pending) extreme waxing program. During my sessions with her she showed the heart of a true champion, and it paid off when she won gold in both the 88 and 92 Olympics.

Another one of my great successes came in 1997 when I took a job working for the Houston Comets of the WNBA. Basketball being a team sport I had to tailor my strategy accordingly. Luckily, few people know more about menstrual synchrony than yours truly. I have a saying "the team that bleeds together… WINS" and that is just what these girls did 4 years in a row.

The vagina is a fickle creature, and no vagina liaison can claim a career of unbridled success. One of the biggest disappointments in my career would have to be Michelle Kwan's vagina. I worked with it in preparation for the 98 Winter Olympics. Sadly, Michelle failed to comply with the strict douching regimen I had designed for her. In my opinion it cost her the gold. What can I say, you can lead a vagina to water but you can't make it douche with it.

The life of a vagina liaison may seem glamorous, but believe you me its not all labia stretches, fancy clit piercings, and space age tampons. You have to be willing to roll up your sleeves and get your hands dirty. Speaking of which I must be off, it is almost time for Layla Ali's finger bang.

posted by John 7:49PM

September 11, 2006 Operation Stingray The death of the beloved croc hunter Steve Irwin has left the world in mourning. No one was better at putting cocky animals in their place then old Steve. However the real tragedy is that the stingray that cowardly sneak attacked him appears to have gotten away with it. What sort of message are we sending the animal kingdom if we do nothing in response to this barbarous act. Stingrays are a menace and they contribute nothing to society. Think about it. When was the last time a stingray mowed your lawn or provided you with sound financial advice? Can't think of one can you? Well you're not alone. I talked with dozens of people and not one could think of an instance in which a stingray affected their lives in a positive way.

The so-called stingray experts try to tell people that "as long as you don't agitate them stingrays are harmless". Like I'm going to go out of my way not to agitate stingrays. Last time I checked I was a human and they were FUCKING STINGRAYS! They are in no position to be issuing ultimatums.

The liberal media keeps putting on these stingray apologists. They are trying to spin this as a freak accident, and not what it clearly is… an act of war! Appeasement didn't work at Munich, and it is not going to start working now. I'm not saying that stingrays are as bad as Hitler… I'm saying they are much worse! Stingrays are like a Nazi Taliban.

The best course of action is to respond by killing every stingray we can get our hands on. Extra points if you skewer them with their own barbs. We'll show them who is king of the jungle!

Remember stingrays have already shown that they would kill you and everyone you love if they got half chance so show no mercy! I'm pretty sure this is what Steve Irwin would want us to do.

posted by John 11:02AM

September 02, 2006 I'm Bringing Sexy Back If you are one of those people who are going around saying "I'm bringing sexy back" guess what, there is nothing sexy about being an unoriginal moron. Saying this quote is just a pathetic attempt at conveying confidence. I can't even call it the new "I'm Rick James bitch!" because at one point that was actually funny. The first time I heard that song I remember thinking "boy this new Nelly Furtado song sure does suck". To my surprise the whiney distorted feminine voice was none other than Justin Timberlake. I felt violated. It was like a tranny had just raped my ears. I wanted to go weep softly in a corner not quote the lyrics.

If you watched the VMAs last night you would have seen how Justin Timberlake plans on bringing sexy back. Apparently it involves stealing Pee-Wee Herman's wardrobe (without the pimp red bow tie) then flailing around like an epileptic on ecstasy. That is pretty much what I expected from a bisexual coke fiend who sounds like he's got his little mouse balls stuck in a vice.

Needless to say I plan on leaving sexy right were it is.

posted by John 1:23AM